Monday, February 28, 2005
Beer Flavored Nipples
A blessing and a curse
I had a breakthrough in the shower the other day. I think that I figured out why I'm messed up. I have (and had) the two most passive-aggressive parents in the world. I grew up exposed to that constantly. It was the norm. And all through my life at least through high school, I was a very passive-aggressive person. I'd get what I want by saying things to people who I knew would pass them on, or I'd drop hints about stuff that I knew certain people would pick up on or rely on the age-old tactic of putting stuff in an AOL profile for someone to read. The sad part is, I didn't think twice about it. It didn't even occur to me that I was doing it. I had no idea, and I never thought twice about the fact that it's a) shady and b) stupid.
But then... (if you couldn't tell, I'm huge into Freud) my father's passive-aggressive lifestyle essentially killed him, and because he WAS so passive aggressive, he never told us ANYTHING about what his last four years or so of life were like... instead, he just left bizarre nonsense clues all over the place... in his typical passive-aggressive way. And that really made me sick. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING??? Ya know?
So then... this whole "being a widow with colon cancer" thing has totally changed my mom too... she's been forced to just face up to stuff... you can't dance around the radiologist and you can't figure out a shady way to confront cancer. And she's developed this "to hell with it" attitude... and oddly enough, she's much happier for it. She'll flat out ask me about stuff or flat out tell me to do stuff... she's much more frank and much more bearable actually. And now, as the Freudian guinea pig, I'm left going "wait... what... wait. I don't get it."
So I think I've sort of seen this unfold and am switching poles... I used to gravitate toward one type of crowd, and have totally switched now... and it explains a lot about the people I encounter and the company I enjoy. I'm moving away from being overemotional... because overemotional people tend to be passive-aggressive. It makes sense, doesn't it? They're right brained - they need the creativity that comes with manipulation. And I'm so like that. Or at least I used to be. But I've changed. I really think I have. I think I've changed a lot in fact. And I still enjoy that creative sort of lifestyle. And I have a sick attachment to this band I'm in because it pulls me back to being overemotional and daydreamy. And I love that... but it's funny. All the lyrics I write are so cut and dry... they're not poetic, they're in-your-face. And for some reason, sometimes it fits.
I don't know if any of this has made any sense whatsoever. But in any case, I'm still struggling with all of that, and maybe that's why I am so adament about speaking my mind freakishly directly. I don't know, maybe I'm just full of horse shit.
I'm tired.
I had a breakthrough in the shower the other day. I think that I figured out why I'm messed up. I have (and had) the two most passive-aggressive parents in the world. I grew up exposed to that constantly. It was the norm. And all through my life at least through high school, I was a very passive-aggressive person. I'd get what I want by saying things to people who I knew would pass them on, or I'd drop hints about stuff that I knew certain people would pick up on or rely on the age-old tactic of putting stuff in an AOL profile for someone to read. The sad part is, I didn't think twice about it. It didn't even occur to me that I was doing it. I had no idea, and I never thought twice about the fact that it's a) shady and b) stupid.
But then... (if you couldn't tell, I'm huge into Freud) my father's passive-aggressive lifestyle essentially killed him, and because he WAS so passive aggressive, he never told us ANYTHING about what his last four years or so of life were like... instead, he just left bizarre nonsense clues all over the place... in his typical passive-aggressive way. And that really made me sick. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING??? Ya know?
So then... this whole "being a widow with colon cancer" thing has totally changed my mom too... she's been forced to just face up to stuff... you can't dance around the radiologist and you can't figure out a shady way to confront cancer. And she's developed this "to hell with it" attitude... and oddly enough, she's much happier for it. She'll flat out ask me about stuff or flat out tell me to do stuff... she's much more frank and much more bearable actually. And now, as the Freudian guinea pig, I'm left going "wait... what... wait. I don't get it."
So I think I've sort of seen this unfold and am switching poles... I used to gravitate toward one type of crowd, and have totally switched now... and it explains a lot about the people I encounter and the company I enjoy. I'm moving away from being overemotional... because overemotional people tend to be passive-aggressive. It makes sense, doesn't it? They're right brained - they need the creativity that comes with manipulation. And I'm so like that. Or at least I used to be. But I've changed. I really think I have. I think I've changed a lot in fact. And I still enjoy that creative sort of lifestyle. And I have a sick attachment to this band I'm in because it pulls me back to being overemotional and daydreamy. And I love that... but it's funny. All the lyrics I write are so cut and dry... they're not poetic, they're in-your-face. And for some reason, sometimes it fits.
I don't know if any of this has made any sense whatsoever. But in any case, I'm still struggling with all of that, and maybe that's why I am so adament about speaking my mind freakishly directly. I don't know, maybe I'm just full of horse shit.
I'm tired.
