Monday, February 28, 2005
Beer Flavored Nipples
A blessing and a curse
I had a breakthrough in the shower the other day. I think that I figured out why I'm messed up. I have (and had) the two most passive-aggressive parents in the world. I grew up exposed to that constantly. It was the norm. And all through my life at least through high school, I was a very passive-aggressive person. I'd get what I want by saying things to people who I knew would pass them on, or I'd drop hints about stuff that I knew certain people would pick up on or rely on the age-old tactic of putting stuff in an AOL profile for someone to read. The sad part is, I didn't think twice about it. It didn't even occur to me that I was doing it. I had no idea, and I never thought twice about the fact that it's a) shady and b) stupid.
But then... (if you couldn't tell, I'm huge into Freud) my father's passive-aggressive lifestyle essentially killed him, and because he WAS so passive aggressive, he never told us ANYTHING about what his last four years or so of life were like... instead, he just left bizarre nonsense clues all over the place... in his typical passive-aggressive way. And that really made me sick. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING??? Ya know?
So then... this whole "being a widow with colon cancer" thing has totally changed my mom too... she's been forced to just face up to stuff... you can't dance around the radiologist and you can't figure out a shady way to confront cancer. And she's developed this "to hell with it" attitude... and oddly enough, she's much happier for it. She'll flat out ask me about stuff or flat out tell me to do stuff... she's much more frank and much more bearable actually. And now, as the Freudian guinea pig, I'm left going "wait... what... wait. I don't get it."
So I think I've sort of seen this unfold and am switching poles... I used to gravitate toward one type of crowd, and have totally switched now... and it explains a lot about the people I encounter and the company I enjoy. I'm moving away from being overemotional... because overemotional people tend to be passive-aggressive. It makes sense, doesn't it? They're right brained - they need the creativity that comes with manipulation. And I'm so like that. Or at least I used to be. But I've changed. I really think I have. I think I've changed a lot in fact. And I still enjoy that creative sort of lifestyle. And I have a sick attachment to this band I'm in because it pulls me back to being overemotional and daydreamy. And I love that... but it's funny. All the lyrics I write are so cut and dry... they're not poetic, they're in-your-face. And for some reason, sometimes it fits.
I don't know if any of this has made any sense whatsoever. But in any case, I'm still struggling with all of that, and maybe that's why I am so adament about speaking my mind freakishly directly. I don't know, maybe I'm just full of horse shit.
I'm tired.
I had a breakthrough in the shower the other day. I think that I figured out why I'm messed up. I have (and had) the two most passive-aggressive parents in the world. I grew up exposed to that constantly. It was the norm. And all through my life at least through high school, I was a very passive-aggressive person. I'd get what I want by saying things to people who I knew would pass them on, or I'd drop hints about stuff that I knew certain people would pick up on or rely on the age-old tactic of putting stuff in an AOL profile for someone to read. The sad part is, I didn't think twice about it. It didn't even occur to me that I was doing it. I had no idea, and I never thought twice about the fact that it's a) shady and b) stupid.
But then... (if you couldn't tell, I'm huge into Freud) my father's passive-aggressive lifestyle essentially killed him, and because he WAS so passive aggressive, he never told us ANYTHING about what his last four years or so of life were like... instead, he just left bizarre nonsense clues all over the place... in his typical passive-aggressive way. And that really made me sick. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING??? Ya know?
So then... this whole "being a widow with colon cancer" thing has totally changed my mom too... she's been forced to just face up to stuff... you can't dance around the radiologist and you can't figure out a shady way to confront cancer. And she's developed this "to hell with it" attitude... and oddly enough, she's much happier for it. She'll flat out ask me about stuff or flat out tell me to do stuff... she's much more frank and much more bearable actually. And now, as the Freudian guinea pig, I'm left going "wait... what... wait. I don't get it."
So I think I've sort of seen this unfold and am switching poles... I used to gravitate toward one type of crowd, and have totally switched now... and it explains a lot about the people I encounter and the company I enjoy. I'm moving away from being overemotional... because overemotional people tend to be passive-aggressive. It makes sense, doesn't it? They're right brained - they need the creativity that comes with manipulation. And I'm so like that. Or at least I used to be. But I've changed. I really think I have. I think I've changed a lot in fact. And I still enjoy that creative sort of lifestyle. And I have a sick attachment to this band I'm in because it pulls me back to being overemotional and daydreamy. And I love that... but it's funny. All the lyrics I write are so cut and dry... they're not poetic, they're in-your-face. And for some reason, sometimes it fits.
I don't know if any of this has made any sense whatsoever. But in any case, I'm still struggling with all of that, and maybe that's why I am so adament about speaking my mind freakishly directly. I don't know, maybe I'm just full of horse shit.
I'm tired.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
What are we laughing at?
Today as I was driving home from the grocery store, I passed a woman driving in her car, with no other passnegers, and laughing hysterically as she drove. I wonder what was so funny. I wonder if it was something on the radio, or if she had some kind of hands-free cell phone she was on and I couldn't see it, or maybe she was just thinking of something funny that had happened. Or maybe she was just insane.
I've been having a whole bunch of deep thoughts as of late. I would share them here except I'm not in the right mood at this moment. I find myself thinking a lot, and thinking about important things. For some reason recently I've been focusing on my family and their whole dynamic. I think that Freud was a smart guy... he knew his shit. I hope I'm not doomed because of that.
Last night I hung out with Jase, John, Joe, and ... Sarah. Sort of anti-climactic after all thsoe J names. Anyway, technically Andrew was there too... so we should throw his non-J name in the mix. Anyway, it was fun... we invented songs on the spot and had some beers. Always a good time hanging out with those folks.
I have big time respect for John. He's a remarkable person. A strong person. I guess we all are though. It's weird, the respect we have for each other. Kinda strange. What a weird situation it all is... the group dynamic between everybody... the fact that we love writing music and playing together, and yet that's totally not even the half of it, that's totally not even the main thing that's going on. We each as individuals have so much freakin' drama and it feels good to get together and out-drama each other. It gets to the point where we just laugh... and I really think there's something so very theraputic about it. Laughter really is the best medicine. Such a cliche... so true.
Josh is visiting next weekend, and I'm pretty psyched about that. We always have such a good time. And I think he should meet the band. He already has, but I think he should get to know them better. I think they'd get along well, and I want the important people in my life to be familiar with each other. I want them to get along and to understand the reason why I feel they are so important to me. This makes no sense. I should shut up.
I need to take a nap. I've got to go be a bridesmaid (I'm a different one this time! Not pregnant!) tonight at Joey and Maria's. Hey, it's free food and fifty bucks. I sure as hell won't complain. After that I'll probably try desperately to contact friends who are still up for hanging out... and maybe I'll have some beers and some lovely conversations.
Yeah.
Today as I was driving home from the grocery store, I passed a woman driving in her car, with no other passnegers, and laughing hysterically as she drove. I wonder what was so funny. I wonder if it was something on the radio, or if she had some kind of hands-free cell phone she was on and I couldn't see it, or maybe she was just thinking of something funny that had happened. Or maybe she was just insane.
I've been having a whole bunch of deep thoughts as of late. I would share them here except I'm not in the right mood at this moment. I find myself thinking a lot, and thinking about important things. For some reason recently I've been focusing on my family and their whole dynamic. I think that Freud was a smart guy... he knew his shit. I hope I'm not doomed because of that.
Last night I hung out with Jase, John, Joe, and ... Sarah. Sort of anti-climactic after all thsoe J names. Anyway, technically Andrew was there too... so we should throw his non-J name in the mix. Anyway, it was fun... we invented songs on the spot and had some beers. Always a good time hanging out with those folks.
I have big time respect for John. He's a remarkable person. A strong person. I guess we all are though. It's weird, the respect we have for each other. Kinda strange. What a weird situation it all is... the group dynamic between everybody... the fact that we love writing music and playing together, and yet that's totally not even the half of it, that's totally not even the main thing that's going on. We each as individuals have so much freakin' drama and it feels good to get together and out-drama each other. It gets to the point where we just laugh... and I really think there's something so very theraputic about it. Laughter really is the best medicine. Such a cliche... so true.
Josh is visiting next weekend, and I'm pretty psyched about that. We always have such a good time. And I think he should meet the band. He already has, but I think he should get to know them better. I think they'd get along well, and I want the important people in my life to be familiar with each other. I want them to get along and to understand the reason why I feel they are so important to me. This makes no sense. I should shut up.
I need to take a nap. I've got to go be a bridesmaid (I'm a different one this time! Not pregnant!) tonight at Joey and Maria's. Hey, it's free food and fifty bucks. I sure as hell won't complain. After that I'll probably try desperately to contact friends who are still up for hanging out... and maybe I'll have some beers and some lovely conversations.
Yeah.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
I Put My Brain in My Purse
And made a horrible mistake when I reached for my wallet.
Well call me a truck and slap me til Wednesday! All the Losers Club boys are starting blogs! How fun! It's one big blogtacular family.
I did something stupid today. I have been slaving away for the past week (possibly longer) on my writing portfolio that I'll sending out to grad schools. (This is why I haven't been updating my blog as much as of late - my writing time has gone elsewhere until now.) Anyway, today I finally finished it, and braved a ridiculous snowstorm in order to get it to Kinko's so I could get it all printed out on nice paper. It took forever to get there between the traffic and the storm, and finally, as I pulled into the parking lot, I realized that I had LEFT MY PURSE AT THE HOUSE. So. Now I had gotten all the way through the storm and had no way to pay for my services at Kinko's. So I dropped the disk off and will pick it up tomorrow. Sigh. I'm such a retard.
Okay, so I have to admit something. I am becoming part of the masses. I like Green Day, (as a lot of people do) but I think most hardcore Green Day fans would be mad at me if I said that Boulevard of Broken Dreams is one of their best songs. Hardcore fans of any group always hate it when somebody likes "the radio song" because "oh oh! but there are so many better songs than that one!" But really, that song is brilliant. And I think the reason why, is that, if you listen to it, at the very beginning there's this distorted guitar thing with effects. And it does this sort of "chika chika chika chika" thing... and even when the music starts, and the singing, the "chika chika" thing keeps playing in the background throughout ALMOST the entire song. It sounds silly, but that little guitar thing MAKES that song, even though it doesn't really change, and is barely noticable. Next time you listen to that song, listen for that. The song wouldn't be half as great without it. I think it's because it adds a constant edge to the song, despite its being melodic and mellower than most Green Day. It also has a sort of progressive feel to it, the little guitar thing is reminiscent of a train, or wheels spinning, or some other form of continuity, and movement. (This is the music analyst side of Claire Whaley hahaha) But, it has a psychology thing to it I think... it makes you think of walking, and progressing down a path... and as walking is a main theme in the lyrics, it just seems to fit. The best part is that the little guitar effect stops suddenly when they introduce the acoustic guitar... and once again there's this little psychological thing I think. All the music stops except acoustic guitar and good ol' Billy Joe... and I think that reinforces the "alone" theme of the song. The music compliments the lyrics so freakin' well, and that is why I think the song is pure genius.
Wow. That took longer than I expected. I kinda just wanted to say that I loved that song... and uh... yeah I got a little carried away. Hah. Look what compiling a creative writing portfolio will do to a person! It'll turn ya into a writer! Hahaha... fortunately I didn't spend hours poring over how exactly to word all of these sentences to provide the best grammatical structure so that it'd be best appreciated by the review panel.
Sigh. It's nice to be writing nonsense again.
Well call me a truck and slap me til Wednesday! All the Losers Club boys are starting blogs! How fun! It's one big blogtacular family.
I did something stupid today. I have been slaving away for the past week (possibly longer) on my writing portfolio that I'll sending out to grad schools. (This is why I haven't been updating my blog as much as of late - my writing time has gone elsewhere until now.) Anyway, today I finally finished it, and braved a ridiculous snowstorm in order to get it to Kinko's so I could get it all printed out on nice paper. It took forever to get there between the traffic and the storm, and finally, as I pulled into the parking lot, I realized that I had LEFT MY PURSE AT THE HOUSE. So. Now I had gotten all the way through the storm and had no way to pay for my services at Kinko's. So I dropped the disk off and will pick it up tomorrow. Sigh. I'm such a retard.
Okay, so I have to admit something. I am becoming part of the masses. I like Green Day, (as a lot of people do) but I think most hardcore Green Day fans would be mad at me if I said that Boulevard of Broken Dreams is one of their best songs. Hardcore fans of any group always hate it when somebody likes "the radio song" because "oh oh! but there are so many better songs than that one!" But really, that song is brilliant. And I think the reason why, is that, if you listen to it, at the very beginning there's this distorted guitar thing with effects. And it does this sort of "chika chika chika chika" thing... and even when the music starts, and the singing, the "chika chika" thing keeps playing in the background throughout ALMOST the entire song. It sounds silly, but that little guitar thing MAKES that song, even though it doesn't really change, and is barely noticable. Next time you listen to that song, listen for that. The song wouldn't be half as great without it. I think it's because it adds a constant edge to the song, despite its being melodic and mellower than most Green Day. It also has a sort of progressive feel to it, the little guitar thing is reminiscent of a train, or wheels spinning, or some other form of continuity, and movement. (This is the music analyst side of Claire Whaley hahaha) But, it has a psychology thing to it I think... it makes you think of walking, and progressing down a path... and as walking is a main theme in the lyrics, it just seems to fit. The best part is that the little guitar effect stops suddenly when they introduce the acoustic guitar... and once again there's this little psychological thing I think. All the music stops except acoustic guitar and good ol' Billy Joe... and I think that reinforces the "alone" theme of the song. The music compliments the lyrics so freakin' well, and that is why I think the song is pure genius.
Wow. That took longer than I expected. I kinda just wanted to say that I loved that song... and uh... yeah I got a little carried away. Hah. Look what compiling a creative writing portfolio will do to a person! It'll turn ya into a writer! Hahaha... fortunately I didn't spend hours poring over how exactly to word all of these sentences to provide the best grammatical structure so that it'd be best appreciated by the review panel.
Sigh. It's nice to be writing nonsense again.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Pay day
And much has already left my pocket.
Ouch! It's been such a long time since I've typed away at the keyboard here. I've been having lots of computer issues as of late, so I haven't been able to maintain my compusure and curb my frustrations long enough to sign into this bad boy and update. But that's done now. For some reason my computer has decided to become my friend today.
I've decided that if I go to grad school in the fall, I will need a new computer. I guess it's time to start saving those paychecks... which is hard to do, when they get zapped instantly out of the air by the Student Loan Fairy and the Visa Fairy.
I'm so afraid... I'm so into doing grad school for writing, but after doing music for four years, it's so weird to switch. I feel like an unfaithful girlfriend or something... like music will be mad and break up with me. I wish I could tell music, "It's not you, it's me. I'm just not ready for that kind of committment right now. I really need to get a feel for what I really want in a lifetime commitment, and I think things are getting too serious too quickly with us. I want you to know that I love you, and I always will. And really, if it's meant to be, we will be together in the future. I'm just too young and stupid to follow you everywhere you need to go right now. I hope you're not hurt, and I hope you'll forgive me. And really, I hope someday we can be together again."
See, what's great about the fact that this is music and writing, and not two hot studs, is that I can date both music and writing at the same time. I just have to keep telling myself that they won't get jealous. I just feel like I'm 23 years old, and I'm learning too quickly that you only get one shot at this life. What's wrong with getting 2 degrees in 2 different things you love? Best to do it now while I'm still young and can deal with personal failure as personal failure... and not spousal and family failure. I have nobody to disappoint but myself, so now would be the time to take risks and be a little weird, wouldn't you think?
If there's going to be a time in my life when it's okay to not have a plan or a clue or any sort of direction whatsoever, it's now. Either that or when I'm senile, and I don't want to wait that long.
Although... I'm sure it'll come sooner than I expect. Shit.
Ouch! It's been such a long time since I've typed away at the keyboard here. I've been having lots of computer issues as of late, so I haven't been able to maintain my compusure and curb my frustrations long enough to sign into this bad boy and update. But that's done now. For some reason my computer has decided to become my friend today.
I've decided that if I go to grad school in the fall, I will need a new computer. I guess it's time to start saving those paychecks... which is hard to do, when they get zapped instantly out of the air by the Student Loan Fairy and the Visa Fairy.
I'm so afraid... I'm so into doing grad school for writing, but after doing music for four years, it's so weird to switch. I feel like an unfaithful girlfriend or something... like music will be mad and break up with me. I wish I could tell music, "It's not you, it's me. I'm just not ready for that kind of committment right now. I really need to get a feel for what I really want in a lifetime commitment, and I think things are getting too serious too quickly with us. I want you to know that I love you, and I always will. And really, if it's meant to be, we will be together in the future. I'm just too young and stupid to follow you everywhere you need to go right now. I hope you're not hurt, and I hope you'll forgive me. And really, I hope someday we can be together again."
See, what's great about the fact that this is music and writing, and not two hot studs, is that I can date both music and writing at the same time. I just have to keep telling myself that they won't get jealous. I just feel like I'm 23 years old, and I'm learning too quickly that you only get one shot at this life. What's wrong with getting 2 degrees in 2 different things you love? Best to do it now while I'm still young and can deal with personal failure as personal failure... and not spousal and family failure. I have nobody to disappoint but myself, so now would be the time to take risks and be a little weird, wouldn't you think?
If there's going to be a time in my life when it's okay to not have a plan or a clue or any sort of direction whatsoever, it's now. Either that or when I'm senile, and I don't want to wait that long.
Although... I'm sure it'll come sooner than I expect. Shit.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Floojioniers?
90's TV is so... '90s.
I have a confession to make. I'm a mix CD whore.
Today I was looking through my CDs... and I have a whole portion of my CD collection devoted to CDs that guys have made for me. They go way back in time. The collection even contains cassette tapes. That's how old it is. Some women save ticket stubs from movies they saw on first dates. They keep them forever and never throw them away. That's sorta how I am about CDs I guess.
Unfortunately, what sets CDs apart from ticket stubs is that CDs are useful. Once you see a show, what are you going to do with that ticket stub? You can't re-see the movie with it, you can't eat it, (well... maybe you could... but that would be weird) and you certainly can't throw it in a stereo and re-experience it.
If you really think about it, mix CDs are very powerful. They're almost like photographs. If you give a girl a mix CD that contains songs that relate to your current situation with said girl, you've marked a moment in time with sound. Sorta like taking a picture. What makes pictures so awesome, is that you can look at one and remember how you felt when it was taken... what the world was doing then, and why the people in the picture are relevant in your own life. A mix CD is similar. They have songs that were all put there for a very specific reason with a conscious intent and effort. There was a time when someone picked out that song, just for you, sat at his computer, and saw to it that the song burned itself onto a disk for you to have and listen to and gain some sort of feeling. It represents a time.
When you make someone a mix CD, chances are you're not thinking about where that CD will be in a month, a year, two years, ten years. You're thinking about what "she" will say when you give it to her, or whether or not she'll read too much into the songs. Think about it. Even when you make that CD, you don't even know what's going to happen in any moment after it leaves your posession. You could have a big fight and never speak to each other again, or you could fall madly in love and elope in Vegas. You don't know! You don't know what kind of history is going to be written in the future, and what kind of feeling the songs on the CD will evoke for the recipient in the future. It's all kinda weird if you think about it.
It's no secret that songs contain emotional attachments easily. We probably all remember the first song we slow danced to, or the song that was playing when we heard the news of a loved one's passing (what a cheesy term... "loved one's passing") or some other such event. So, it seems to make sense that songs on mix CDs will, from that point forward, contain new meaning. I bet you didn't think of that the last time you made one! You're altering sonic history!
I know this all seems a little too weird and involved, but it's really sorta true. I listened to my old mix cds. I still love the songs. I still miss the people too I guess. I miss the relationships (not neccesarily romantic) that I had with those people when those CDs exchanged hands. A lot of those CDs' creators don't talk to me anymore and I wonder what they're up to, or if they would ever think of me if they heard any of those songs.
Does this whole entry seem weird? I'm sure it probably does... all this falsely deep stuff... I didn't mean to make a shallow concept sound deep, it's just hard to describe it any other way.
There's another question involved here, however. Is there something weird about listening to a CD... from another man? What if my favorite CD was a mix CD made for me by an ex-boyfriend. Should my current boyfriend find that weird? (This is all hypothetical, by the way, there has been no mix cd conflict, I'm just wondering in general out loud.) Is there such a thing as mix CD cheating? There's this sort of age-old assumption about things like jewelry. If a guy gives you a ring, especially if it's expensive, there's this big symbolic thing that goes with it... if you break up, do you give it back or do you keep it? And if you do keep it, would you wear it? And if you would wear it, would you dare wear it around a new boyfriend? I don't know, it's all very weird.
Would you feel weird if your girlfriend was like, "Listen to this CD... it's amazing" and she took it out of her CD case and it was all pink with a pink and red label that was like, "Too Schnookie Princess from Love Pumpkie"? Would that make you feel weird, or would it not bother you at all?
I honestly don't know the answers to these questions.
In the meantime, I'm keeping my timeline o' CDs. Despite my relationships with those who gave them to me, I really do treasure each one. Good songs. Good memories.
I have a confession to make. I'm a mix CD whore.
Today I was looking through my CDs... and I have a whole portion of my CD collection devoted to CDs that guys have made for me. They go way back in time. The collection even contains cassette tapes. That's how old it is. Some women save ticket stubs from movies they saw on first dates. They keep them forever and never throw them away. That's sorta how I am about CDs I guess.
Unfortunately, what sets CDs apart from ticket stubs is that CDs are useful. Once you see a show, what are you going to do with that ticket stub? You can't re-see the movie with it, you can't eat it, (well... maybe you could... but that would be weird) and you certainly can't throw it in a stereo and re-experience it.
If you really think about it, mix CDs are very powerful. They're almost like photographs. If you give a girl a mix CD that contains songs that relate to your current situation with said girl, you've marked a moment in time with sound. Sorta like taking a picture. What makes pictures so awesome, is that you can look at one and remember how you felt when it was taken... what the world was doing then, and why the people in the picture are relevant in your own life. A mix CD is similar. They have songs that were all put there for a very specific reason with a conscious intent and effort. There was a time when someone picked out that song, just for you, sat at his computer, and saw to it that the song burned itself onto a disk for you to have and listen to and gain some sort of feeling. It represents a time.
When you make someone a mix CD, chances are you're not thinking about where that CD will be in a month, a year, two years, ten years. You're thinking about what "she" will say when you give it to her, or whether or not she'll read too much into the songs. Think about it. Even when you make that CD, you don't even know what's going to happen in any moment after it leaves your posession. You could have a big fight and never speak to each other again, or you could fall madly in love and elope in Vegas. You don't know! You don't know what kind of history is going to be written in the future, and what kind of feeling the songs on the CD will evoke for the recipient in the future. It's all kinda weird if you think about it.
It's no secret that songs contain emotional attachments easily. We probably all remember the first song we slow danced to, or the song that was playing when we heard the news of a loved one's passing (what a cheesy term... "loved one's passing") or some other such event. So, it seems to make sense that songs on mix CDs will, from that point forward, contain new meaning. I bet you didn't think of that the last time you made one! You're altering sonic history!
I know this all seems a little too weird and involved, but it's really sorta true. I listened to my old mix cds. I still love the songs. I still miss the people too I guess. I miss the relationships (not neccesarily romantic) that I had with those people when those CDs exchanged hands. A lot of those CDs' creators don't talk to me anymore and I wonder what they're up to, or if they would ever think of me if they heard any of those songs.
Does this whole entry seem weird? I'm sure it probably does... all this falsely deep stuff... I didn't mean to make a shallow concept sound deep, it's just hard to describe it any other way.
There's another question involved here, however. Is there something weird about listening to a CD... from another man? What if my favorite CD was a mix CD made for me by an ex-boyfriend. Should my current boyfriend find that weird? (This is all hypothetical, by the way, there has been no mix cd conflict, I'm just wondering in general out loud.) Is there such a thing as mix CD cheating? There's this sort of age-old assumption about things like jewelry. If a guy gives you a ring, especially if it's expensive, there's this big symbolic thing that goes with it... if you break up, do you give it back or do you keep it? And if you do keep it, would you wear it? And if you would wear it, would you dare wear it around a new boyfriend? I don't know, it's all very weird.
Would you feel weird if your girlfriend was like, "Listen to this CD... it's amazing" and she took it out of her CD case and it was all pink with a pink and red label that was like, "Too Schnookie Princess from Love Pumpkie"? Would that make you feel weird, or would it not bother you at all?
I honestly don't know the answers to these questions.
In the meantime, I'm keeping my timeline o' CDs. Despite my relationships with those who gave them to me, I really do treasure each one. Good songs. Good memories.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Creamy Subconscious
Sounds like a good band name
I have a recurring dream about Coldstone Creamery. I used to work there in waking life. I worked there for one summer and then a couple times on breaks during school.
I've worked in all kinds of different locations, and have always wondered why Coldstone Creamery keeps appearing in my dreams. It's come up probably once every couple weeks for the past several months. Now, I don't know if I really buy into the whole thing about dreams having some sort of deeper meaning or not, but when I discussed my Coldstone dreams with Jason, he had a very good theory. Based on the specific times in my life that I dream about Coldstone, and the mental associaions I make with Coldstone in waking life, although it seems weird to tie a subconscious thought to a former place of employment that was merely a junky summer job, it makes sense that perhaps these dreams represent guilt.
I never would have thought of it on my own, but the times I have the dreams seem to fall during guilty times in my life. And although I never would notice myself that I have any guilty feelings about Coldstone Creamery, it wouldn't be crazy to say my subconscious does. This is probably because I sorta never officially quit... I just sorta... never called them anymore about a job. My boss even called me once and asked if I'd like to come back and work for this past summer, and I told him I didn't know whether or not I'd be in Pittsburgh for the summer, and that I'd get back to him. (This was true at the time, but I forgot about it after a while and never got back to him) So... that could make some sense. In the dreams I'm always afraid my boss will see me and be mad that I never called him back. I don't know... it's weird.
I'm thirsty.
The end.
I have a recurring dream about Coldstone Creamery. I used to work there in waking life. I worked there for one summer and then a couple times on breaks during school.
I've worked in all kinds of different locations, and have always wondered why Coldstone Creamery keeps appearing in my dreams. It's come up probably once every couple weeks for the past several months. Now, I don't know if I really buy into the whole thing about dreams having some sort of deeper meaning or not, but when I discussed my Coldstone dreams with Jason, he had a very good theory. Based on the specific times in my life that I dream about Coldstone, and the mental associaions I make with Coldstone in waking life, although it seems weird to tie a subconscious thought to a former place of employment that was merely a junky summer job, it makes sense that perhaps these dreams represent guilt.
I never would have thought of it on my own, but the times I have the dreams seem to fall during guilty times in my life. And although I never would notice myself that I have any guilty feelings about Coldstone Creamery, it wouldn't be crazy to say my subconscious does. This is probably because I sorta never officially quit... I just sorta... never called them anymore about a job. My boss even called me once and asked if I'd like to come back and work for this past summer, and I told him I didn't know whether or not I'd be in Pittsburgh for the summer, and that I'd get back to him. (This was true at the time, but I forgot about it after a while and never got back to him) So... that could make some sense. In the dreams I'm always afraid my boss will see me and be mad that I never called him back. I don't know... it's weird.
I'm thirsty.
The end.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Bacon for Dinner
It does a body good.
I decided not to do the picture thing today. I didn't have any pictures in the archives that said anything earth-shattering. I don't know, I need to start taking more pictures of more stuff.
I don't really have any other news to report. As someone who is very seriously looking into going to grad school for writing, perhaps I should try to generate some sort of creative ability. Signing into my blog every day and typing things like, "I'm bored, nothing's new, and I don't know what to say" does not bode well for one who desires to become a writer. I guess maybe I should stop writing in here as if it is a journal per se... and start writing in it as if it is a creative forum. That was sorta the intent to begin with, but when I read others' blogs, it's always a journal-esque type entry. I feel like if I typed random stories in here or something, I'd have to explain them to the public, because that's what blogs do typically - explain. They explain a day in the life of somebody or somebody's current goings on. I don't know, it's hard to explain.
I've seriously considered throwing bits of my work of literary genius in here. (This work of literary genius started in the middle of a ridiculously boring class sophomore year, and is now still only four chapters long... but I'm slow and picky.) The only problem with doing that is that I feel it's actually a very good start to a potentially good story... and I feel weird about it being exposed to the public all naked without serious consideration about what needs to be done with it. I don't even really know the ins and outs of the plot yet. I know the basics, but it tends to write itself most of the time. I don't know.
Another problem I have with throwing it on here is that (and I have mentioned this before) the people who will be reading it know me as a person, and will be making parallels from the story that they shouldn't be making. The characters in the story experience the things I or people I have known have experienced. But their personalities and characters on the whole are totally independent from anybody I know in life. The characters are totally new people - unrelated to, and not based on, anybody in life. However, because they reinact things that have happened in this experience we call the real world, people will, either consciously or subconsciously, make parallels. It's unavoidable. I think people who don't know me, or who don't know my friends at all could read it with a better and clearer eye than those who know me, and were perhaps present for some of the events.
Imagine what it would be like if you read about characters who experienced "chewin' on a branch" girl. (Those from Mercyhurst and even some who aren't from Mercyhurst know what I mean.) You'd instantly think of the people who actually DID experience the chewin' on a branch phenomenon. You'd picture them. But you're not supposed to, because in the next paragraph, the character that you thought of as Kate could turn around and become gay, or go to Ireland and play Truth or Dare. My worlds mix in this story, and the characters that create and embody the new combination of events should not lead a reader to picture one personality type or another. I hope I explained that well enough. Maybe I'll have the guys in the band read it because they don't know the people that experienced the events in quesiton.
FYI - chewin on a branch girl was just an example. She's not in the story as of now, but now that I mention it to myself, I think she'd perhaps make a great addition. Hey, maybe I could even make it like one of the main characters does the branch chewing instead of the onlooking in astonishment. That way I could invent branch girl's past... and explain, even if only in my own mind, what the hell she was doing.
Also, the Ireland thing and the lesbian thing are just examples for now too. We shall see how the story writes itself.
Onto new things.
Last night the band got together and made some big decisions about what we're going to do and how we're going to do it. I played bass for the first time with the singing and the crew, and it went better than I thought it would. I'd be lying if I said it was easy and I was perfect at it in five minutes, but I can tell that it'll just take practice before The Great Fall is up to par in the bass department.
I have nothing else to report, really.
Although... wait... I just got done talking about how maybe I shouldn't "report" things all the time, and instead just focus on using this space as a creative writing test car.
Anyway, whatever the reason I leave, I'm leaving.
... on a jet plane.
.... don't know when I'll be back again.
I decided not to do the picture thing today. I didn't have any pictures in the archives that said anything earth-shattering. I don't know, I need to start taking more pictures of more stuff.
I don't really have any other news to report. As someone who is very seriously looking into going to grad school for writing, perhaps I should try to generate some sort of creative ability. Signing into my blog every day and typing things like, "I'm bored, nothing's new, and I don't know what to say" does not bode well for one who desires to become a writer. I guess maybe I should stop writing in here as if it is a journal per se... and start writing in it as if it is a creative forum. That was sorta the intent to begin with, but when I read others' blogs, it's always a journal-esque type entry. I feel like if I typed random stories in here or something, I'd have to explain them to the public, because that's what blogs do typically - explain. They explain a day in the life of somebody or somebody's current goings on. I don't know, it's hard to explain.
I've seriously considered throwing bits of my work of literary genius in here. (This work of literary genius started in the middle of a ridiculously boring class sophomore year, and is now still only four chapters long... but I'm slow and picky.) The only problem with doing that is that I feel it's actually a very good start to a potentially good story... and I feel weird about it being exposed to the public all naked without serious consideration about what needs to be done with it. I don't even really know the ins and outs of the plot yet. I know the basics, but it tends to write itself most of the time. I don't know.
Another problem I have with throwing it on here is that (and I have mentioned this before) the people who will be reading it know me as a person, and will be making parallels from the story that they shouldn't be making. The characters in the story experience the things I or people I have known have experienced. But their personalities and characters on the whole are totally independent from anybody I know in life. The characters are totally new people - unrelated to, and not based on, anybody in life. However, because they reinact things that have happened in this experience we call the real world, people will, either consciously or subconsciously, make parallels. It's unavoidable. I think people who don't know me, or who don't know my friends at all could read it with a better and clearer eye than those who know me, and were perhaps present for some of the events.
Imagine what it would be like if you read about characters who experienced "chewin' on a branch" girl. (Those from Mercyhurst and even some who aren't from Mercyhurst know what I mean.) You'd instantly think of the people who actually DID experience the chewin' on a branch phenomenon. You'd picture them. But you're not supposed to, because in the next paragraph, the character that you thought of as Kate could turn around and become gay, or go to Ireland and play Truth or Dare. My worlds mix in this story, and the characters that create and embody the new combination of events should not lead a reader to picture one personality type or another. I hope I explained that well enough. Maybe I'll have the guys in the band read it because they don't know the people that experienced the events in quesiton.
FYI - chewin on a branch girl was just an example. She's not in the story as of now, but now that I mention it to myself, I think she'd perhaps make a great addition. Hey, maybe I could even make it like one of the main characters does the branch chewing instead of the onlooking in astonishment. That way I could invent branch girl's past... and explain, even if only in my own mind, what the hell she was doing.
Also, the Ireland thing and the lesbian thing are just examples for now too. We shall see how the story writes itself.
Onto new things.
Last night the band got together and made some big decisions about what we're going to do and how we're going to do it. I played bass for the first time with the singing and the crew, and it went better than I thought it would. I'd be lying if I said it was easy and I was perfect at it in five minutes, but I can tell that it'll just take practice before The Great Fall is up to par in the bass department.
I have nothing else to report, really.
Although... wait... I just got done talking about how maybe I shouldn't "report" things all the time, and instead just focus on using this space as a creative writing test car.
Anyway, whatever the reason I leave, I'm leaving.
... on a jet plane.
.... don't know when I'll be back again.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Faygo DOES Still Exist!
I ain't foolin'
Alrighty. So, for tonight's showcased photograph, I decided to switch it up a bit and dig deep into the past. There is a thread, however, which connects the last photo to this one. That thread is: Halloween.
This picture was taken a whole bunch of years ago. I'm the cowgirl, and my sister is the mouse. Obviously there was no digital photography back in the day, but for some unknown reason my sister decided to scan this picture and send it to me. So... I figure... why the hell not.
I feel good today. I've been digging into grad school stuff to see if there's any way I can still go in the fall. It's looking positive today, but it's hard to tell. I've been trying to decide whether or not to wait another year... due to my financial situation (or lack thereof) and my mother's health. However, even if I worked for another year, chances are I would just squander the money I'd be making anyway. And besides, grad school is different. I can find a place to work during grad school, so hopefully that can make a financial difference. And my mother *should* be done with chemo and radiation by the time I'd be leaving for school anyway.
Also, even if her health wasn't so great by then, the two schools I'm looking at are WVU (which is only an hour and a half away) and a program that I can do from home. I really just want to get on with it... to get on with life and get a handle on what it is that's going to occupy my time for the rest of my stay here on this cute lil' planet.
And now, a song.
Three AM each step the only sound
Sometimes the wind would sing along
Only the sad parts
And snow might fall
But you were worth the chill
(Chorus)
You were always most beautiful
In the hours the world didn't see
The hours I let you see me cry
The hours you harbored me
And I wish I could say
That I never looked back
I wish I could say
I never looked back
The same each time
You were consistently perfect
Frost said
"Nothing Gold Can Stay"
I know
I knew
I know
We knew
(Chorus)
In those nights, we walked
You caught each tear
Remembered each drop
Answered and held them
It hurt to know
We'd have to go
We secretly hope
Those we leave
Suffer without us
But when over my cold shoulder
I saw you stumble
It struck like an arrow
And I couldn't watch
And I wish I could say
That I never looked back
I wish I could say
I never looked back
Maybe I'll slowly start leaking "Great Fall" lyrics onto my blog as well in the hopes that I'll get some feedback on them. Any comments out there? Suggestions for a title?
Anyway... not much else to update except I taught myself some scales on the 'ol bass guitar today.
... because I RULE!
Howdy, pardner.
Alrighty. So, for tonight's showcased photograph, I decided to switch it up a bit and dig deep into the past. There is a thread, however, which connects the last photo to this one. That thread is: Halloween.
This picture was taken a whole bunch of years ago. I'm the cowgirl, and my sister is the mouse. Obviously there was no digital photography back in the day, but for some unknown reason my sister decided to scan this picture and send it to me. So... I figure... why the hell not.
I feel good today. I've been digging into grad school stuff to see if there's any way I can still go in the fall. It's looking positive today, but it's hard to tell. I've been trying to decide whether or not to wait another year... due to my financial situation (or lack thereof) and my mother's health. However, even if I worked for another year, chances are I would just squander the money I'd be making anyway. And besides, grad school is different. I can find a place to work during grad school, so hopefully that can make a financial difference. And my mother *should* be done with chemo and radiation by the time I'd be leaving for school anyway.
Also, even if her health wasn't so great by then, the two schools I'm looking at are WVU (which is only an hour and a half away) and a program that I can do from home. I really just want to get on with it... to get on with life and get a handle on what it is that's going to occupy my time for the rest of my stay here on this cute lil' planet.
And now, a song.
Three AM each step the only sound
Sometimes the wind would sing along
Only the sad parts
And snow might fall
But you were worth the chill
(Chorus)
You were always most beautiful
In the hours the world didn't see
The hours I let you see me cry
The hours you harbored me
And I wish I could say
That I never looked back
I wish I could say
I never looked back
The same each time
You were consistently perfect
Frost said
"Nothing Gold Can Stay"
I know
I knew
I know
We knew
(Chorus)
In those nights, we walked
You caught each tear
Remembered each drop
Answered and held them
It hurt to know
We'd have to go
We secretly hope
Those we leave
Suffer without us
But when over my cold shoulder
I saw you stumble
It struck like an arrow
And I couldn't watch
And I wish I could say
That I never looked back
I wish I could say
I never looked back
Maybe I'll slowly start leaking "Great Fall" lyrics onto my blog as well in the hopes that I'll get some feedback on them. Any comments out there? Suggestions for a title?
Anyway... not much else to update except I taught myself some scales on the 'ol bass guitar today.
... because I RULE!
Howdy, pardner.
